


Neverending Breath

by golden_kimono



Category: Jrock, SCREW (Band), the GazettE
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cancer, Character Death, Flashbacks, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Heavy Angst, Lung Cancer, M/M, Major Illness, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Past Character Death, Sexual Content, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-02 10:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2809109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_kimono/pseuds/golden_kimono
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The biggest struggle in life is death.</p><p>As Kai remembers someone from a long time ago, his memories serve as more than simple reminiscences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [10 inspirations](http://10-inspirations.livejournal.com), prompt: writings #6 - He felt a soft hand caress his neck as the warm air of a whispered word ghosted across his ear.
> 
> I started writing this over a year ago and then stopped, but I really want to continue this again, so I'm posting it here as well. Originally posted on livejournal. And when I say angst, I mean it: this is very, very depressing, so please don't read it unless you can handle that and please check the warnings and tags carefully.

“A reunion… Are you going?” his colleague Reita asked when he handed the invitation back.

Kai shrugged and slipped the piece of paper back in its envelope. “I’m not sure yet. It’d be interesting to see everyone again, but to be honest, I haven’t really thought of that place in years. And to go through the trouble of travelling to Kyoto and staying in a hotel just to meet a bunch of people I never bothered to keep in contact with seems a bit much.”

“Kyoto isn’t that difficult to get to,” Reita pointed out. “It’s not exactly cheap, but it’s not like you don’t have the money. And doesn’t your aunt live there? So why stay in a hotel?”

A small grin appeared on Kai’s face. “Do you want me to leave that badly?”

Reita snorted and smacked Kai over the head with his pen. “Yeah, because you’re a little shit.” He rolled his eyes at Kai’s pout and pointed his pen at him seriously. “Look, you’ll regret it if you don’t. It’s not like you hated that place, right? Sure, you didn’t keep in touch with anyone, but it could be fun to see your old friends and see what their lives are like now. And I know they’d all be interested to see you, considering how you're a manager for one of the largest companies in Japan. Who doesn’t want to hear about an attractive, successful man nearing his forties who can’t keep a relationship? Might make them feel better about themselves.”

He chuckled when Kai threw an eraser at him and caught it easily. “Seriously, though, just go. You have some sick days left, so just use those.”

Kai sighed before chuckling and playfully glaring at his friend. “If you’re going to be pushy, then fine, I’ll think about it.”

Reita cheered softly and tossed the eraser back, hitting Kai in the middle of his forehead.

When Kai got home that evening, he sat himself down in front of the television and thought back to what Reita had said to him. It was true, university had not been horrible. In fact, he had enjoyed it much more than high school and he had had a small group of close friends plus a larger group of good acquaintances. He had gotten along with pretty much everyone and after he had returned to Tokyo there had been many moments when he had truly missed those days.

Not that he wasn’t happy now. He had an excellent position in a successful company, lived comfortably, got to work with one of his best friends every day, and despite his friends making fun of him sometimes, he was fine being single. It was easier, actually, considering how he often had to go on business trips, and it wasn’t as though he couldn’t find anyone for a brief relationship or a one-night stand if he so wished.

Shaking his head, he turned off the TV, too tired to focus on whatever game show he had turned on. He’d think about this more in the morning; after all, they didn’t need his reply immediately.

He made his way into his bedroom and yawned as he got ready for bed. His big, soft bed, that he didn’t have to share with anyone. He laughed to himself as he recalled Reita’s complaining about how his wife would cuddle up to him so closely during the night that he was sometimes nearly pushed off the bed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love having her near me, but I need my space for sleeping!” the blonde had whined.

It wasn’t until several hours later that Kai felt himself slip out of his dream state, the memory of a body pressed against his, lips against his cheek, slowly waking him up. He frowned slightly, no longer asleep, but not yet awake, nearly able to smell another person. A vaguely familiar person. A voice like a whisper sounded in his ear, just loud enough to seem real.

“Stay.”

That one word was enough for Kai to wake up completely, gasping for breath. He flicked on the light on the bedside table, though no-one was there. Of course not, for it hadn’t been a person, it had been a thought, a memory, long forgotten. Kai lifted his hand to stroke his hair from his eyes and found, to his surprise, that he had been crying.

Suddenly the realisation hit him like a ton of bricks and before he knew it, he was nearly sobbing into his arms.

Aoi. How could he have forgotten him? The boy who had once made him laugh. Who he had fought with more times than he could remember, but made up with even more. Who had once sweetly convinced him to stay when he thought he had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life, yet he had never made a better one. Who had been the one person he had treasured as much as, if not more than, his own mother. Who had never had the chance to graduate or grow old with the rest of them.

Whose ashes had been scattered in his hometown, by his mother and Kai, who had desperately wished for the wind to pick him up and take him along, never ready to say goodbye. Yet, somehow, he had repressed every memory he had of the one person who had truly made him feel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for [10 inspirations](http://10-inspirations.livejournal.com), prompt: phrases #2 - Truly, madly, deeply.

“This is my friend Aoi. Aoi, this is Kai, he’s in Professor Nakamura’s lectures with me,” Ruki said as he introduced the two to each other. It was only the first week of classes and everyone was still in the process of getting to know each other, so Ruki had taken it upon himself to introduce some of his friends to each other. Well, friends… He had apparently known Aoi since high school, but had only met Kai recently. He and the boy from Tokyo had hit it off fairly quickly, though, after finding out they shared quite a few of the same interests.

Despite his sunny personality and his kindness and politeness towards everyone, Kai had been having trouble befriending anyone. To be completely honest, friends weren’t high on his list of priorities. He wanted to finish university successfully, which would actually be easier if he interacted with other people as little as possible. Ruki, however, would have none of this, and had insisted on getting to know him better. So here he was, bowing politely to the boy seated across from him, who merely waved his cigarette at him and nodded as a greeting.

Ruki rolled his eyes. “He has the social skills of a goldfish,” he explained to Kai as they sat down as well, making Kai laugh while Aoi glared and blew some smoke in Ruki’s direction.

“Shut up, you little dick,” he snarled. Ruki threw Kai a meaningful look as if to say ‘see?’ and Kai tried desperately to fight down his chuckling, not wanting to offend a possible new friend just yet.

He didn’t have to worry for long, though, because soon a few other boys joined them and were quickly introduced to him. There was a tall, far-too-attractive guy named Uruha who didn’t say much to him, a boy with so many piercings that Kai wondered how he had ever been accepted into this university who went by the name of Kazuki and immediately asked Kai where he was from and why he was here, and a boy with lips so full that Kai had to shake himself to stop thinking of how soft they’d be. His name was Mizuki.

When they got up to go to their afternoon lectures, Kai didn’t expect Aoi to follow him and Ruki. “Are you in Professor Tanaka’s class as well?” he asked kindly after they had said their goodbyes to the rest of them.

Aoi grunted in reply, then grinned at Kai when Ruki, apparently dissatisfied with his friend’s rudeness, nudged him. “I am. I was supposed to be in Professor Nakamura’s too, but they clashed with my time table, so I was switched to Professor Maeda instead. If you ask me, lectures are fucking useless anyway. I prefer to actually do some work, not sit there and listen to someone tell me what I can read in the books anyway.”

“We get extra information, though,” Kai pointed out. “And Professor Nakamura is supposed to be one of the best.”

“Don’t bother, he’ll never admit he’s wrong,” Ruki scoffed. “How he ever got through high school is beyond me; he never saw the point of most classes there either.”

Aoi responded by casually flipping him off as they took their seats near the back and decided to turn his attention to Kai instead. “So, why did you come to Kyoto? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to stay in Tokyo?”

Kai shrugged. “I guess. I wanted to get away from my parents, though, and Kyoto seemed to be the easiest way to do that.”

“You could’ve gone to live on campus,” Aoi pointed out. “Unless you _really_ wanted to be far away from them.”

Nervously, Kai glanced over at Ruki, but the other boy had tuned the two of them out and was holding a hushed conversation with a pretty girl with pink hair. Or rather, she was having a conversation with him as he was trying hard to ignore her in favour of following the lecture. With a start, Kai realised class had already started, and to his even greater surprise, he found he wasn’t interested at all. Not as much as he was in talking to Aoi, at least.

He was no idiot; he had had plenty of crushes before - they often developed at the drop of a hat - and he recognised the feeling. Cursing himself softly, he decided to just go with it for now. No use worrying over a small crush: it could be over by next week. In fact, some of his crushes only ever lasted a few days; it happened. Somehow, though, he felt like he could trust Aoi, blunt as he appeared to be. Before he knew it, he was whispering to him about his father being an angry and abusive man, how his mother was finally seriously considering leaving him now that Kai was of a proper age and how she’d move to her sister’s in Kyoto for a while once she had broken the news to her husband. He told Aoi how he used to try to split up their fights and had once punched his father when he had thrown his mother against the wall. She had ended up in the hospital with a concussion, and that was another reason why Kai wanted to be in Kyoto: he wanted to be closer to his mother once she left, because who knew what his father would do.

Aoi observed him quietly, humming occasionally to let him know he was still listening, his eyes more sympathetic than Kai had thought they could be. Once Kai had finished his story, he flushed bright red, wondering why he had just told someone who was virtually a stranger something he hadn’t even told some of his closest friends back home. When Aoi placed his hand on Kai’s arm, though, and gently squeezed his bicep, he understood perfectly well.

“I feel like a spoiled brat now,” Aoi said with a half smirk. “The biggest problem I’ve experienced with my family is my mum walking in on me when I was masturbating.”

Kai nearly choked on his spit. A snickering Aoi patted his back while from the corner of his eyes he could see Ruki giving him a worried look. The pink-haired girl was staring at Ruki sulkily, apparently upset that she still wasn’t getting any attention.

Aoi masturbating. As embarrassing as the story was, he couldn’t get the image out of his head now and briefly pondered what his reaction would be if he were to walk in on Aoi doing that. Probably not the best thought to be having in public, though, especially not with Ruki’s concerned eyes still on him and Aoi grinning cheekily. He cleared his throat and flashed both of them a smile to show that he was fine, but he didn’t miss the suspicious look Ruki threw Aoi before turning away.

When Aoi leaned in, he had to resist flinching in shock. He wasn’t sure whether he was relieved or disappointed that the other boy simply squeezed his arm again before opening his mouth to speak.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Aoi said, looking a little sheepish now. “Well, not after you told me that story, at least,” he added after a short pause, making Kai’s lips twitch.

“Otherwise I would’ve been fair game?” Kai teased, smiling widely when Aoi shrugged and nodded.

 

It was weird, Kai mused to himself as he stirred his coffee. He should’ve felt insulted that Aoi hadn’t remained serious after what he had told him, but he much preferred his reaction over the pity he could have received – and _had_ received after his parents had finally gotten divorced and people asked him why.

Aoi always had his own way of dealing with things, and this often meant either joking or being so blunt he could be considered cold and rude. Initially, Kai had thought he had just been breaking the ice, but when he had noticed Aoi reacted this way nearly constantly, he had been confused over how to handle him. In the end, it had made him fall even harder.

He recalled how difficult it had been once he realised he felt more than a mere crush. It’s always hard, having feelings for a friend, but it was even worse when you were convinced said friend would hate you or be disgusted by you if he ever found out. A tiny, barely perceptible smile appeared on his face when he thought back to the confusion he had felt at some point.

 

“I admire you so much, Aoi-kun!” Kazuki practically gushed. “The way you played the guitar the other night… I wish I was that good. Everyone was quiet. Quiet! They were actually listening to your music!”

Aoi rolled his eyes, though he looked particularly smug at the other boy’s praises. “Yah, shut up already, or people will think weird things,” he nonetheless said, lightly flicking Kazuki’s forehead.

“But I love you!” Kazuki exclaimed as he leaned over and grasped Aoi’s face. Kai would have felt jealous, but he already knew exactly what would happen next and saw no need to bother.

And indeed, as expected, Aoi pushed Kazuki away quickly. “I’m not gay!” he yelled out, to much snickering of everyone present.

Kai never understood why Aoi felt the need to emphasise this so often, but at least it gave him good reason not to get his hopes up. Plus, he had to admit it was funny to see people tease him over it and sometimes he wondered if Aoi wasn’t doing it for that exact reason. Either that, or he was very homophobic, although he never seemed to have any problems with Ruki’s very openly gay friend Kaolu. Perhaps it was as Mizuki had said to him once: Aoi was so far in the closet that even Narnia was no longer visible.

He snorted to himself, then blushed when Aoi’s eyes turned to him instead.

“What’s so funny?” the dark-haired male asked, raising his eyebrows as though he was challenging him.

Deciding not to try Aoi’s patience today – he could come across as very intimidating when he wanted to – Kai simply shook his head and grinned. Before Aoi could push him to say something, Kai felt a hand fall onto his shoulder. He tilted his head back and was met by the face of, in Kai’s opinion, one of the sexiest guys on campus, whose name was Byou. Byou was one of those guys who was very popular with the girls, and with good reason.

“Are you free tonight at seven?” Byou asked, not even bothering with a greeting.

Kai looked momentarily puzzled, but then remembered Professor Nakamura had placed them together for a group project. Byou didn’t strike him as the type to take the lead like this, although he had a vague memory of the other boy telling his group mates that his dad would have his head if he failed. He doubted it was truly that serious, but nevertheless, he was happy to know he wasn’t the only one who intended to work hard.

Ignoring the confused glares he was receiving from his friends, Kai nodded, making Byou’s shoulders sag in apparent relief.

“Good. I asked the others and they’re all available too, so I was hoping we could really get started tonight. We’re meeting in front of the library. Emiko said she might know someone for the interview, but if you have any ideas yourself, just tell us.” Byou sighed and stuffed his hands down his pockets. “We’ll probably be busy for a while, so Rui is bringing some snacks. Not sure if that’s a good idea since we’ll be in a library, but I guess if anyone can get away with that, it’s him.”

Kai laughed and agreed, then waved at Byou as he walked off. When he turned back to his friends, Aoi was frowning.

“You didn’t say anything about working with him,” Aoi said suspiciously.

Kazuki sniggered loudly. “Why, are you jealous, Mister Straight Man?”

Aoi scowled and tossed his lighter at Kazuki’s face, a satisfied smirk appearing when it hit the target.

 

Kai took a sip from his coffee and sat down at the table. To be completely honest, he hadn’t been as shocked at getting together with Aoi as he had been at the fact that his boyfriend hadn’t wanted to hide it from everyone. Not that they were completely open about it, of course; this was still Japan and even now homosexuality wasn’t entirely accepted, let alone all those years ago. Still, their friends knew, their families (of course excluding Kai’s father), and some random people they hung out with often enough that they found out entirely on their own.

He smiled to himself when he remembered Byou. The other boy had been one of the biggest ladies’ men on campus, until one day he was found kissing Rui at a frat party. Most people had assumed it was to blame on the alcohol, but Byou had already admitted to Kai that he always had a thing for the gentle, kind and optimistic young man. Two opposites, like Aoi and Kai had been. Once Kai had found out, it had suddenly made a lot more sense why Byou had been so enthusiastic about that first group project.

Last he heard, Byou and Rui had moved to San Francisco in order to be together more freely. He didn’t know if they still lived there or if they were even still together, but he hoped they were, and that wherever they were, they got their happy ending. Someone deserved to have that.

Kai clenched his fist and took in a deep, shaky breath. Why were all these memories coming back to him _now_? Of course it made sense with the reunion coming up, but he had spent over fifteen years pretending Aoi had never existed, and he wished his brain had respected that decision. He swallowed hard and felt tears welling up in his eyes, feeling angry and guilty.

“You won’t forget me, will you?” he remembered Aoi asking him once, not long before he passed away. Kai had called him an idiot and had hugged and kissed him, assuring him that he could never forget him, but they wouldn’t have to worry about that anyway, because Aoi would get better and he’d be fine soon, and they’d take that trip to Europe after graduation as they had agreed. Yet, despite his many promises, he _had_ forgotten Aoi. Although he wasn’t sure it could be called ‘forgetting’ if he did it on purpose. After all, it wasn’t as though he had never thought of him at all over the years.

After graduation, Kai had returned to Tokyo, cutting all ties with Kyoto, the university and anyone or anything associated with either of these. His mother lived there again by then, considering the city her home despite the bad memories of her ex-husband. He had moved in with her for a while, though he had found his own place not long after he landed his first job. He had cried the first time he was alone in his flat, imagining Aoi with him, as he should have been. Certain foods reminded him of his former boyfriend and when he had been picking out curtains, it was as though he could hear the other’s voice in his ear, commenting on the horrible colours. Winter was always hard as well. It had been Aoi’s favourite season and his birthday had been in the middle of it, making it even more difficult to get through.

Initially, he had intended to seek some distance, but not to ignore Aoi’s existence entirely. The first winter on his own was what made him change his mind: he had been a complete wreck. To his surprise he had been even worse than the year before, when he had experienced the season without Aoi for the first time, but he supposed that was because he had thrown himself into studying and because his friends had been there to support and distract him. And somehow it had been easier to be in some state of denial while he was in familiar surroundings. He could pretend Aoi was simply in his room, was being held back after a lecture, had a project to work on; anything that didn’t mean he was gone for good.

Once he lost his job due to what he could only identify as a severe depression, he decided it was better for him to forget about the boy who had once made him so happy. He could no longer focus on those happy memories, and even if he could, they only made the heartbreak so much worse. Knowing he’d never be able to make new memories with him was almost more than he could handle. Instead, he distracted himself whenever Aoi popped into his head, pushing any and all thoughts of him aside. He took up a different persona, assuming that if he pretended to be happy, he eventually would be, and he soon found a position in another company, which was where he met Reita.

Now he could no longer ignore it. The memory of Aoi had hit him hard last night and everything was coming back to him, a lot faster than he was comfortable with. He was sure that if his night hadn’t been filled with panic attacks and more tears than he had dared to cry in the past decade, he would be on the floor, sobbing his heart out. Going through such a long time of suppressing something and then everything hitting him at once was not what he had counted on. Neither had he foreseen that the pain would be as deep as it had been when he had to say goodbye to Aoi for the last time. He might look calmer now, but ever since Aoi had permanently appeared in his thoughts again, his heart had been feeling like it was tearing in two.

He knew it was possible to die of heartbreak. Broken heart syndrome. It was rare that people actually died from it; usually, they recovered fairly quickly. It wasn’t unheard of, though. Kai had taken an optional Psychology class in university, where he had done a small project on this phenomenon. Aoi had rolled his eyes at the concept, but Kai felt certain that he would have suffered from it if he had thought of him all this time.

 

“Dying of a broken heart sounds kind of dramatic, don’t you think?” Aoi asked, eyebrows raised as he flipped through Kai’s research. “I mean, I can understand being upset, even being heartbroken and maybe _wanting_ to die, but _actually_ dying?”

“It’s not a choice,” Kai snapped as he took his books and printouts back. “There _are_ people who give up living entirely because they lost a loved one, but broken heart syndrome is different. It’s similar to a heart attack, although it’s less severe. Except that occasionally it can be bad enough that people don’t recover.”

Aoi shook his head and stretched, yawning loudly as he did so. “I just don’t get it. Depression is one thing, but this? It seems so extreme…”

“Some people don’t see the point of living without a certain person,” Kai mumbled, glaring down at his notebook as he wrote down some keywords and page numbers. “Just because _you_ don’t have that problem…”

A sigh came from Aoi’s lips. When Kai lifted his head, he saw a gentle, amused smile on his face, which made his glare lose some of its intensity. He still wasn’t impressed, though, and intended to make sure Aoi knew this.

“Kai, you know I love you,” Aoi spoke softly as he leaned in. “And I’d go crazy if I lost you. I’d probably sink into a pit of depression, throw my life away, even be tempted to give up. But I wouldn’t. You know why?”

Kai shook his head silently, his eyes on Aoi’s.

“Because I know you wouldn’t want that. I’d follow you to the end of the earth, but that’s only because I know you’d be there. We don’t know if there is anything after this life. I hope there is, but if there isn’t and I had given up, then what use would it be? Instead, I’d do my best to make you proud, so that if there _is_ a hereafter, you’d be able to look at me and smile. And if there isn’t, then at least I’d have tried to keep your memory alive.”

Not sure what to say to that, Kai kept quiet. Aoi rarely spoke like this and he didn’t want to ruin the moment; besides, he had to admit that what Aoi said made sense to him. When he glanced back at his boyfriend, Aoi’s smile widened. He leaned in and stroked Kai’s cheek, lips brushing against each other.

“I love you so much,” Aoi whispered, a small puff of air hitting Kai’s mouth with every word. “If I thought it would save you, I’d gladly die for you. But much more than that, I want to _live_ for you. Do you understand that?”

Kai didn’t speak, but his smile and the deep kiss he gave Aoi in return said it all.

 

Had he done the same? He hadn’t given up, he had made sure of that, at least. He had continued to live and had even reached the point where other people envied him for his life. But the thing was, he hadn’t been living for Aoi. He wasn’t even sure he had been living at all, that he hadn’t simply been existing so far. Apart from Reita he didn’t have any close friends, always making sure to keep a distance between himself and the rest. Sure, some might say he had plenty of friends, but they were more acquaintances than anything else, with no strong ties to keep them together. He went on business trips, but that was the only travel he got. Even the holidays organised by his work were always rejected, no matter how many times Reita had tried to convince him to join.

There was no romance in his life either. He had always genuinely believed it was because he was too busy working and it was easier to be alone. Brief encounters were fine, they got rid of any pent-up frustration and afterwards he could go back home and he never had to see those people again. Now he wondered if it hadn’t been because of Aoi. Aoi, who had taken a piece of his heart with him when he breathed out his last breath. What was the point in finding anyone else? He had tried it once, dating someone, but he had felt like he was cheating. Touching someone was different from letting them in. Sex wasn’t necessarily intimate, especially not if it was nothing more than a one-night stand, but a relationship meant feelings. It meant getting over his past. And no matter how hard he had tried to forget Aoi, during the moments he had remembered him, he had known he never wanted to get over him.

He ran a hand through his hair and threw back the rest of his coffee, wincing at how cold it had become. His eyes fell on the reunion invitation. He chewed on his lip before finally making a decision.

 

“What do you mean, you’re not going?”

Kai shushed Reita, his loud voice having attracted the attention of a few of their co-workers. He smiled and waved at them until they turned away, which was when the smile fell from his face.

“I mean I’m not going. And I don’t see why I owe you an explanation,” he replied shortly as he turned back to his computer.

“Is it because of this Aoi?” Reita asked carefully. “Because I actually think that’s an even bigger reason to go.”

“Don’t make me regret telling you about him,” Kai said darkly. He had finally told Reita about Aoi this morning, having asked him to meet him before work. Reita had listened quietly until he had revealed that he had no intention of going to the reunion. He wasn’t sure why this was such a big deal to him, really. After all, it wasn’t as though going to Kyoto would magically make Aoi reappear.

“Kai, seriously, I’ve known you for ten, nearly fifteen, years, and this is the first time I’m even hearing about this guy. That’s not healthy. You need some form of closure and I think this might be it.” Reita sighed in frustration as Kai remained silent. “If you don’t want to go the reunion, then that’s fine, but you should at least talk to some of your old friends. Maybe you could even visit his parents, talk with them so you can finally deal with whatever you’ve been holding inside. Because you _need_ to let this out.”

Kai scoffed and typed in a few numbers. “Since when have you been a psychologist?”

“I’m not. I’m your friend, and I’m worried about you,” Reita answered seriously. “And I don’t think I can help you with this, since I wasn’t there when it happened.”

Kai’s face softened. He appreciated Reita’s concern and felt blessed to have a friend who cared about him so much, but he was fine, really, and he told him so. Reita shook his head incredulously, but promised to let it go.

“For now,” he warned.

 

“Fine, how about I quit for now?” Aoi suggested, trying to placate his boyfriend and probably hoping he wouldn’t make a scene in the middle of the restaurant.

“It’s not quitting if you’re just going to light up another one as soon as we step outside,” Kai snapped. He knew he was probably making a big deal for no reason, but it genuinely bothered him that Aoi wasn’t even attempting to quit smoking. He thought it was dangerous and disgusting and, worst of all, it reminded him of his father. He didn’t think he had ever seen that man without a cigarette in his mouth, yet despite so much of their money going to his addiction, he still blamed Kai’s mother when there wasn’t enough money left at the end of the month.

When Aoi opened his mouth to protest, Kai threw up his hands, knowing he had to try a different tactic. “Okay, you know what, don’t quit. But just know that I won’t be kissing you until you do, because I really don’t like nicotine breath.”

Kazuki burst out laughing while Aoi simply gaped at him like a fish. It worked, though: before they even ordered dessert, Aoi agreed to try. Uruha happily told him how whipped he was, to great hilarity of the rest of their friends.

“Ah, as long as Kai’s the one doing the whipping, I don’t think I mind,” Aoi replied with a smirk. Ruki nearly choked on his chicken.

 

“For someone who claims to be fine, you sure are zoning out a lot,” Reita pointed out.

Kai blinked rapidly and smiled sheepishly when he realised he had been lost in memories again. “I _am_ fine, I’m just thinking,” he insisted, despite knowing there was no way Reita would believe him. After all, apart from Aoi, there wasn’t much Reita didn’t know about him. And now he knew that part as well. 

“About what?” Reita asked, giving Kai a look that dared him to lie.

“What to have for lunch,” Kai replied smoothly.

Reita rolled his eyes and smacked Kai up the head. “You’re an idiot,” he said gruffly. “But now that you mention it: the guys asked if we’d eat with them today. You up for it, or would you prefer to be alone?”

After some contemplation, Kai shook his head. “No, I’ll come with you.” It might distract him, and he didn’t want his work friends to start asking questions if he turned down the offer. They were nice enough, but he didn’t think he could trust them with something like this.

He felt a pang in his chest when he thought back to the old days, when he had had a group of friends around him at all times. Suddenly he missed them so much it nearly crushed him. Ruki, who had been his first and best friend; Uruha, who had taken a while to warm up to him, but in the end had ended up being a great pillar of support; Kazuki, who had admittedly been Aoi’s friend more, but who could always be counted on; Byou, who had grown close to Kai once they realised they were both in the same predicament of falling for someone they thought they couldn’t have; Rui, who had become Kai’s friend through Byou, but who he couldn’t help but love, seeing how he was such a ray of sunshine. And there had been others as well.

He knew he had been lucky to end up with some of the greatest friends he could have wished for, and that he had been an idiot to have thrown all that away. Now he only had Reita. Not that Reita wasn’t an amazing friend – in fact, he was like a brother to Kai – it was just… a little sad, perhaps, that he had gone from an entire support group to one person. And he hadn’t even told that person about one of the most important aspects of his life until a few hours ago.

Much to Kai’s relief, he managed to remain in the present for the next couple of hours. It wasn’t until he returned from lunch that the next shock awaited him.

As soon as he entered the office after a remarkably fun hour with some of his colleagues, he could hear the phone on his desk ringing. Still laughing at a comment from one of the guys, he excused himself, yelling at his new co-worker Michael over his shoulder, promising he’d try to make it to dinner on Friday with him and his wife.

Slightly laughing, he answered the phone with a breathless “Hello?”

“Kai, is that you?”

Kai froze at the sound of that voice. He forced a smile at a worried-looking Reita, who didn’t look very reassured. “Y-yeah, it’s me,” he eventually replied, clutching the phone in his hand so tightly that he was sure he heard the plastic crack.

“It’s me, Ruki.”

Although he had recognised the voice, he released a long breath and sank down onto his chair, waving away Reita’s questions and shaking his head when the other asked him if he needed anything.

“I figured,” Kai said, trying hard to sound normal. “Your voice, it hasn’t changed much.”

A chuckle reached him through the line. “Always with the flattery,” Ruki teased, making Kai smile faintly. “Anyway…” Ruki cleared his throat, a nervous edge to his speech now. “I’m part of the committee organising the reunion and I heard you declined. To be honest, I didn’t really expect any different, because you probably broke off contact for a reason.”

Kai felt a wave of guilt, but decided to keep quiet. He wasn’t sure what to say anyway.

“I’m not blaming you,” Ruki continued hastily, having correctly interpreted Kai’s silence. He had always been good at that. “Seriously, I understand. But I was wondering… Maybe we could meet? Just the two of us? I’d really like to get the chance to talk to you again.”

Kai bit his lip and stared at Reita, who was tense in his chair and looked ready to call for help. He took a deep breath and threw his friend a reassuring smile, less forced this time.

“I’d like that too,” he then said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for [10 inspirations](http://10-inspirations.livejournal.com), prompt: quotes #23 - "It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped" - Anthony Robbins.

“You know, I haven’t touched a cigarette since Aoi died,” Ruki admitted softly, his eyes on the table in front of him.

Kai nodded in understanding but didn’t speak, not really in the mood to talk about Aoi’s death. To be completely honest, he didn’t want to talk about Aoi at all, because even now that he allowed himself to think about his former lover, the memories remained bittersweet. He had nearly thrown Reita into a panic just two days ago when he had had an anxiety attack in the bathroom at work. His poor friend hadn’t know what to do and had said that perhaps he was wrong and Kai shouldn’t deal with all this just yet.

“Can’t you postpone your meeting with this guy?” he had asked, frustrated at his inability to calm him down, but Kai had shaken his head through his tears. If he didn’t meet Ruki now, he never would. And, to be honest, he felt like he owed him – owed all of them – an explanation. Yes, he still felt a pang in his chest whenever he thought of Aoi, and yes, he wished he didn’t have to face reality, not if that reality didn’t include Aoi, but it was too late to pretend any longer.

And yes, he wished he could simply talk to Ruki about his life without Aoi entering the picture (because Reita had been right: it was different to talk about him to someone who had actually known him; it made him more real, made it more difficult to take some distance), but that was selfish, because Aoi deserved better than that. Not to mention impossible, since in order to understand Ruki’s life _now_ , there had to be references to the past. This didn’t mean he was in any hurry to talk about him, though, and he’d wait for Ruki to take the first step.

Ruki eyed Kai carefully as the waitress placed their orders on the table. It made Kai slightly uncomfortable, because Ruki always managed to look into your eyes like he was looking into your soul. He was what they had always called ‘an observer’, and he was scarily accurate in his readings of people.

“I missed you, you know,” Ruki sighed after the waitress had walked off. “We all did. For a while we actually worried that you…” He trailed off, noticeably uncomfortable, and Kai understood what he was trying to say.

He smiled sadly and added some sugar to his drink. “I nearly did,” he admitted. “Not that I was ill, mind you. Not physically, at least.” Not like Aoi, he mentally added. “I just didn’t see the point anymore. I felt like I had lost everything: my job, my sanity, my life.” He took a deep breath and curled his hand into a fist. “It seemed better, easier, to pretend none of it had ever happened. I was already ignoring your messages, so all I needed then was to ignore my memories.”

Kai tensed up and glanced at Ruki, realising he might have given away too much. Would he think him a terrible person for pretending Aoi had never existed? Ruki might understand the need for distance from his old life, but there was a difference between that and not respecting someone’s last wish. Aoi had been so scared of being forgotten, and although his old friends might not have – Ruki certainly hadn’t – and his family couldn’t have, the person he had said he loved the most had turned his back on him. He felt bile rising in his throat, guilt taking over once again.

Ruki smiled gently and placed his hand over Kai’s. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “We all deal with grief differently. No one can tell someone else what to feel, because we can’t see inside their heads and know precisely what they’re going through. I’m not saying what you did was _healthy_ , but you did the best you could, considering the circumstances.”

A scoff nearly escaped Kai’s lips, but he didn’t want Ruki to think he didn’t appreciate his words. Still, if this had been the best he could have done, then that didn’t exactly make him feel better. He forgot what was most likely the love of his life, he pushed his friends away, and if that was truly his best, he was pretty damn pathetic.

“Hey,” Ruki said as he forced Kai to look at him, “you did. You’re alive, aren’t you? You said it yourself: you nearly hadn’t been. Do you think Aoi would have been happy if you had given up? He wanted you to _live_ , so at least one of you could.”

Kai bit his lip, his heart sinking. How could he possibly tell Ruki that he hadn’t been living at all? He felt like he hadn’t done right by Aoi at all and he doubted the other man would have been impressed by him.

“Either that, or he’d kick my ass for acting like this,” Kai mumbled in reply. To his reply, he received a chuckle.

“That does sound like him,” Ruki said warmly. “He’d probably smack you up the head and give you a hug at the same time, weirdo that he was.”

 

“What took you so long?” Aoi scowled when Kai rushed up to him, trying hard to not slip on the fresh snow. “You’re nearly an hour late!”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Kai panted, hands on his knees to catch his breath. He had honestly left home on time, but by the time he reached the station, he had realised his wallet was still on his bedside table. So he had hurried back – which admittedly hadn’t been very fast thanks to the falling snow – and then the trains had been a mess thanks to the weather, which really hadn’t helped at all. It was insane how the trains were always organised so well, but one snowflake and there was utter chaos.

“I tried, I really did,” Kai defended himself apologetically. From past experiences he knew it was no use to explain what had happened just yet, since Aoi liked to ramble on first before even considering listening to the other side of the story.

As expected, Aoi snorted and ranted about how irresponsible Kai was for making him wait for so long, and how dare he make him wait at all, for that matter? Kai inwardly cringed: if Aoi had his diva mode on, this could take a lot longer than expected.

“Shouldn’t we go in right now?” Kai finally interrupted him. “I’m guessing everyone else is already there, and we shouldn’t make them wait any longer, right?”

Aoi’s eyes narrowed, making Kai worry for his life, but to his surprise, the other simply slapped him over the head before smiling and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Come on in, then, because I’m hungry,” he told a bewildered Kai as he steered him into the restaurant where they’d be celebrating Kazuki’s birthday, chattering about the food Kai should try and somehow making him agree to pay for the both of them.

 

“He did have his own way of dealing with things,” Kai mumbled, seeing Ruki nod fervently from across him. That had happened before the two of them had even been together and he sometimes he had wondered what would have happened if he had been on time, or if Aoi hadn’t been the one to wait for him, or if he hadn’t interrupted his ranting and been forced into paying for Aoi’s meal as well. After all, that had been why Aoi had paid for their drinks afterwards, and how they had gone home together.

“Remember when he thought Byou was hitting on you?” Ruki grinned.

To his surprise, Kai found himself laughing. Byou was a naturally flirty person, while Aoi was naturally jealous. This had turned out to be a dangerous combination: after Byou had flirted once again, Aoi had had enough. Kai never did find out what he had said or done, but fact remained that Byou had been a lot more careful around him after that. It was only when Byou started to openly date Rui that Aoi had begrudgingly admitted that maybe he had been wrong. “Maybe!” he had emphasised, making sure they all knew he wasn’t entirely convinced.

“Speaking of Byou…” Kai trailed off. After all this time, it felt awkward to ask about him.

Ruki simply smiled again, though. “Married.”

Kai’s eyes widened. As far as he knew, Byou had always been against marriage. Seeing him in a committed relationship had been strange enough to most people, but even when he and Rui had been dating for a while, he had insisted marriage would never be an option.

“I know, we were all shocked too,” Ruki said, an amused glint in his eyes. “I don’t know what made him change his mind, but a few years ago he and Rui moved to Canada, got married, adopted a kid, and have been living there ever since.”

Kai suddenly felt like crying. He was happy for his friends, happy that they had a family, especially because the both of them had always been so crazy about their own families, but it was unfair that he and Aoi never got that chance. Of course things could have gone differently if Aoi _had_ lived: they could have broken up, Aoi could have been reluctant to leave Japan, they might have had trouble adopting. But they would have at least had a shot at a future together and the choice would have been _theirs_. Instead, any chance they would have had had been ripped away from them.

If he had never gone home with him that night, would things have been different right now? Or would he have only been postponing the inevitable? After all, everyone used to claim they were meant to be.

 

“Okay, I think you’ve had enough,” Aoi sighed, shaking a clingier-than-usual Kazuki off his arm and towards Mizuki, and rolled his eyes at Kai when the birthday boy started telling his new victim how pretty he was and that he hadn’t received a proper birthday kiss yet.

Kai snickered to himself and sat back in his seat, glancing around at the people left. Most of them were friends of Kazuki he didn’t know, but he recognised a few faces. Uruha was still there, of course, attempting to woo one girl or another, and he could see Byou at the bar with his latest conquest. Ruki had left earlier, not being much of a party boy or a drinker. Kai wasn’t a big fan of parties and alcohol either, although he did enjoy them more than Ruki did, but admittedly he had been having a pretty good time so far. The alcohol was making him feel more relaxed and with their first exams coming up that was definitely welcome.

When he glanced back towards his own table, his eyes caught Aoi’s. He raised his eyebrows when he realised how intently the other was looking at him and tilted his head questioningly.

“Want to leave?” Aoi asked, a small smirk on his face.

 

He wasn’t quite sure how such a simple question had led to this, but his mind was too hazy to truly care, what with Aoi’s lips on his own and he himself pushed up against the door. He moaned when he felt Aoi’s knee pressing against his groin and tugged on the other’s hair as he deepened the kiss. Hands wandered as tongues touched, their kiss pausing briefly when Aoi tugged Kai’s shirt over his head. Kai gasped when he felt Aoi’s lips travel down his neck and chest, brushing against his nipples. He arched up against the other, shivering when Aoi’s moan vibrated through his chest.

Next thing he knew, he was being pulled away from the door and clothes were being removed and tossed aside, their kisses growing sloppy, their groping more desperate. Kai was thrown down on a soft surface he assumed was a bed, but it didn’t matter where he was when Aoi straddled him. He let out a loud groan when their bare skin touched, Aoi’s pale complexion flushed from alcohol or arousal, or both. Kai decided he didn’t care and leaned up to leave marks wherever he could reach, jolting in surprise when he felt a hand around his erection.

He looked at Aoi’s face, both of them panting harshly, and he decided the other had never looked as beautiful as he did now, with his hair hanging down and his lips swollen, eyes darker than ever and his body definitely tinted with arousal now.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this,” Aoi breathed before connecting their lips again and pushing Kai flat on his back. It wasn’t long until skilled fingers inside him were replaced by Aoi’s length. Kai threw his head back, his body trembling in pleasure while Aoi whispered into his ear and rolled his hips, thrusting into him. It was fast and gentle, passionate and uncomfortable, both of them too far gone to really know what they were doing and drunk sex wasn’t necessarily the best sex.

Kai thought it was amazing.

 

“You okay?”

Kai was startled from his musings and blinked a few times before remembering where he was. He realised Ruki was staring at him, looking worried, and smiled reassuringly. “I’m fine,” he replied. He couldn’t very well admit what he had been thinking of just now, though he had a hunch that the blush on his face was giving him away. Then again, Ruki might mistake it for him feeling hurt over what he had just told him. And he did feel hurt, but he knew Byou would have been happy for him if the roles had been reversed, no matter how painful it would have been, and his friends deserved the same courtesy. It wasn’t their fault that things had turned out the way they had.

Once he noticed that Ruki opened his mouth, expression apologetic, he waved him off and smiled again, a little more genuinely this time.

“Really, I’m fine. But tell me more. What have you been up to, and the rest?” he asked, hoping for a change of topic.

Ruki hesitated, but eventually pouted thoughtfully, as though considering where to begin. “Well, I’ve been okay, mostly. I stick to my dog and my art, and I’ve designed a few fashion items that were popular enough to help pay the bills. And I occasionally write, mostly short stories for magazines, but I’m hoping to write a novel one day.”

That did sound like Ruki. Always artistic and doing something that wasn’t related to his major at all. Kai remembered how he had always been crazy about dogs too, so it didn’t surprise him that he still had one. “So you’re not seeing anyone?” Kai asked casually.

Ruki looked positively alarmed at the idea, his face so comical that Kai found himself truly _laughing_. It reminded him of the times they’d tease Ruki about his lack of a love life, despite getting plenty of attention from espcially the more alternative crowd. He dated, occasionally, but he preferred being on his own and claimed to feel suffocated when he was with someone. Suddenly it was easy to picture those days and Kai half expected to hear Aoi’s teasing voice in his ear, feel his arm around his waist. He swallowed hard, suddenly missing him more than he thought he could, feeling like a hand was clenching his heart, but he tried to focus on Ruki’s words instead.

“I’m fine alone, thanks,” his old friend huffed. “I dated someone for a while, but then there was talk of moving in together, so I broke things off.” He wrinkled his nose, like he was thinking of something horrible. “Do you have any idea of the amount of things I would've had to get rid of?!”

Kai shook his head fondly. Ah, Ruki and his ever-lasting independence. It was nice to know some things never changed.

“And everyone else?” he asked curiously. He found himself genuinely wondering what everyone had been up to and almost wished he had never left everything behind.

“Kazuki’s doing well. He’s a manager somewhere, plays music sometimes in the weekends. I know he’s seeing someone and she’s a real sweetheart, although I can’t remember her name.” He grinned sheepishly. “In my defence, they haven’t been going out for very long and we only see each other on birthdays. We talk online on occasion, but not that often, really.”

Kai nodded in understanding. He found it difficult to picture Kazuki as a manager, though, and wondered if he still had his piercings. Probably not, not with a job like that. It was a strange thought, because in his head it had often felt like Kazuki had been born that way. Ridiculous, of course, but he had never seen him differently. At least he still played music. Something he used to do with Aoi, the two of them with their guitars, usually accompanied by Ruki’s or Byou’s voice because neither of them felt good enough vocally, although the two played plenty of instrumental pieces as well.

Kai admired Kazuki’s courage. He didn’t think – no, he _knew_ – he wouldn’t be able to do the same, constantly feeling like Aoi’s ghost was beside him. Or perhaps that was precisely the reason Kazuki still played, because it made him feel closer to his former best friend. Perhaps, during those moments, he pretended Aoi was right there beside him, strumming his own guitar as he gazed into the crowd and sought out Kai’s face, grinning softly when he succeeded.

He blinked when he realised what he was thinking of and forced himself to focus on Ruki once more. Luckily his friend didn’t look annoyed at his distraction; he probably understood, although he couldn’t know what was going through Kai’s mind. He might think Kai needed time to digest all the information, which was at least partially true.

“Uruha and Emiko got married,” Ruki told him, “but I’m guessing you knew that, since they got engaged shortly before you… shortly before graduation.”

Yes, Kai remembered. An unlikely couple: studious, serious Emiko and dorky Uruha. They fought a lot, or rather, Emiko fought and Uruha sat there and took it, always the laid-back type. Yet, they worked together. Uruha needed someone to steady him and to help him. He was smart, definitely, but he didn’t always know how to word his thoughts, which was where Emiko came in.

“They’re divorced now.”

“What?” Kai sat up and nearly knocked his cup to the floor. That was unexpected, to say the least.

Ruki smiled bitterly. “I know. No one knows what happened, but they’re no longer together. From what I’ve heard, it was a nasty divorce too. Emiko got custody over their kids, but Uruha is allowed to see them every other weekend, I believe. There were rumours of cheating, but I don’t know who cheated on who or if there’s any truth to that at all.”

“I find it hard to picture either of them doing so,” Kai admitted.

“Me too,” Ruki replied. “But people do stupid things sometimes, things they never meant to do. Everyone makes mistakes, some just have more impact than others.”

Yes, Kai knew that well. He had made many mistakes in his life, had many regrets. Right now he was struggling to understand where Aoi belonged. He had called him his ‘best mistake’, but looking back at his life and the impact he had had on him, he wasn’t entirely sure if that was true. If he had left that morning, things could have been so different.

 

Kai woke up slowly, feeling groggy when he opened his eyes. He yawned and brought a hand to his head, wincing slightly. “Definitely shouldn’t have been drinking,” he muttered to himself as he carefully raised himself up onto his elbows.

He froze. This wasn’t his room. Wide-eyed, he peeked under the blanket, nearly falling off the bed when he realised he had been sleeping next to _Aoi_ , of all people. And judging from their lack of clothing and the slight pain Kai felt in his backside, they had done a lot more than just sleeping.

“Shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Kai cursed under his breath as he crawled out of the bed, memories from last night flooding his mind. What the hell had he been thinking?! Friends aren’t supposed to have sex with friends, no matter how many feelings there were. He didn’t even know Aoi felt anything for him at all. Sure, he said things last night, but he had been drinking, so who was to say he had known what he was saying or who he was saying it to?

He bit down on his lip as he searched for his clothes, vaguely remembering losing his shirt by the front door. He cursed against, softly, and wished desperately that Aoi didn’t have a roommate who would randomly walk in on him when he was trying to sneak out. Tears built up in his eyes when it fully hit him: he had slept with _Aoi_. Aoi, who was straight. Aoi, who he had fallen in love with. Aoi, who would probably be disgusted when he realised what had happened and this would be the end of their friendship.

“Stay.”

The whisper made him freeze once more. Nervously, he turned around, meeting Aoi’s intense gaze, blankets gathered around the other’s body.

“Stay. Please.”

He sounded as anxious as Kai felt, though Kai wasn’t sure why. He opened his mouth to speak, but only an odd croak escaped his mouth.

A smile appeared on Aoi’s face, but it disappeared just as quickly. “Don’t leave,” Aoi tried again, his eyes pleading with Kai to listen to him. “I meant what I said last night. I’ve wanted this for a long time. Not like this, but whatever works, right?” He shrugged, but avoided Kai’s eyes now. “I just… didn’t know how to tell you.”

Kai cleared his throat and wet his lips, his heart pounding in his chest. “I thought you weren’t gay…”

Aoi laughed softly and the look in his eyes when he looked up at Kai nearly took his breath away. “You don’t have to be gay to like men, you know,” he murmured, sounding amused. “Besides, I also claim to be a superstar, but you don’t seem to take that very seriously.”

Kai felt a smile tugging at this lips, but his insecurities got the best of him. “How do I know you won’t regret this?” he asked, feeling very vulnerable.

“It’s you,” Aoi replied firmly. “I’ll never regret it if it’s you. Even if you… if you do reject me, at least I had you for one night, right?” He reached out and took Kai’s hand in his carefully, as though he was worried he’d scare him off. “But I really hope you feel the same way.”

Kai relaxed slightly, finally believing Aoi’s words, and took a few steps closer so he could lean down and kiss him again. Aoi’s lips curled up into a smile against his own as he returned the kiss, before they both tumbled down on the bed in a mess of limbs and laughter. Aoi’s voice sounded in his ear, whispering sweet promises Kai knew he’d never forget.

 

Yet he _had_ forgotten. It was strange how unlike Aoi that moment was. He wasn’t usually one to be romantic or sappy and he had told him this after they had made love again. Not that there weren’t moments like that at all, but he had rarely been as brutally open as he had been then. Which was okay, because Aoi wouldn’t have been Aoi otherwise. Right then, though, he had wanted to convince Kai that he was being genuine, or that was what Kai believed, at least.

He wondered what Aoi would have felt and done if _he_ had been the one to pass away and Aoi had lived on. Somehow he doubted Aoi would have been like him, regretting his choices and wondering if he had done the right thing.

“Sometimes I think we were a mistake,” Kai admittedly shamefully.

Ruki sighed and when Kai dared to look at him, he seemed disappointed. Not that Kai could blame him. He was disappointed in himself as well.

“You came to Kyoto,” Ruki pointed out. “Even if you hadn’t gotten together, you would have been friends. And if you hadn’t become friends, you still would have been classmates. The only way you could have chosen not to be part of his life would have been by staying in Tokyo or having gone somewhere else. Your choice meant his death would have impacted you no matter what. Sure, it’s less painful when a classmate passes away than when a friend or boyfriend does, but you still would have been affected in some way.”

“I know,” Kai answered in a small voice. “And I feel bad for thinking it, I really do. It’s just… look at me now! I couldn’t help him, I can’t help myself, and maybe I would be better if we had never met.”

“You made his last few weeks worth it,” Ruki said sternly. “You couldn’t cure him, that’s true. No one expected you to. Aoi needed someone with him, which was what he had. You were there for him, you made sure he felt loved, you took away some of his pain. He wanted to fight for you more than for anyone else, and if you hadn’t been there he might have given up as soon as he heard the diagnosis. And you can regret what happened to you, that’s fine, I understand that. I probably would too. But I won’t let you regret what you had with him. You meant too much to him for me to accept that.”

Kai stared at Ruki with wide eyes, unable to speak. Not that he got a chance, because apparently Ruki wasn’t finished yet.

“Maybe you would have been better, but you could have been a lot worse. Other things would have happened in your life if you hadn’t befriended us. I know you feel like shit and I’m sorry you’re not as happy as I had hoped you’d be, but you _did_ help Aoi. When he most needed it, too. So unless you regret that-”

“Of course I don’t!” Kai interrupted incredulously. “How could I not have been there? I loved him!”

“ _Exactly_ ,” Ruki said, waving a spoon in Kai’s face. “Do you have any idea how rare it is for two people to love each other as much as you did? It’s harsh that your time together was cut short, but some people aren’t even allowed that much. And those who are might not feel as intensely as you did.”

He leaned in closer, making Kai scoot backwards in surprise.

“I’m going to ask you a very simple question, and I expect you to answer me honestly.” Ruki gazed at Kai expectantly, satisfied when he nodded. “If you _could_ go back in time and you’d know what you know now, would you turn him down?”

Kai chewed on his bottom lip nervously. Would he really have been able to miss out on Aoi? It might have been easier, less painful, but if he had had to live without his kisses, his touches, his teasing, his _everything_ while knowing what he’d be missing, would he really be happier? He remembered how small Aoi had looked when he had sat there on the bed, pleading with him to believe he was being serious, and he realised that no matter what the consequences had been, he would never have been able to resist. Ruki was right: unless he hadn’t gone to Kyoto, there was no way they wouldn’t have fallen for each other in the end. And not going there had never been an option.

 

“Oi, oi, oi, I have an announcement!” Aoi called out as he stood up amidst laughter, their friends wondering what the hell he was up to now. Aoi held up his hands to catch everyone’s attention and waited until they were silent. Thanks to Kazuki’s random bursts of giggles this took a while, though.

Kai wondered what was going on and glanced around the dorm room. They had gathered in Uruha’s room tonight, just a few of them, to celebrate the end of exams and the fact that they had all passed. He saw Ruki nursing his diet coke and glaring at anyone who dared come too close, as though he was worried they’d dump booze in his drink.

He then nearly fell flat on his face when Aoi pulled him up by his arm. Kai looked at him questioningly, but the other only smirked and looked back at the rest of the group.

“My announcement!” he exclaimed, making sure all eyes were on him. He paused for dramatic effect before turning towards Kai. A grin appeared on his face as he pulled him close and kissed him deeply.

The kiss ended quickly, but it was enough for their friends to cheer and whistle. Kai punched Aoi’s bicep, but his boyfriend simply grinned some more and hugged him.

“You’re such a drama queen,” Kai mumbled, his face bright red from embarrassment. Aoi had said he wanted to tell their friends, but he hadn’t expected him to do it like this. For starters, he had expected him to use _words_. But what else could he have expected from him, really; Aoi wasn’t exactly known for being conventional.

Aoi snickered and squeezed Kai’s sides. “You knew this already, so stop acting so surprised. Besides, it got the message across, didn’t it?”

 

Kai looked Ruki in the eye and shook his head. Ruki smiled in return.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for [10 inspirations](http://10-inspirations.livejournal.com), prompt: phrases #6 - Portals of discovery.

“I’ll think about it.” Those had been Kai’s parting words after Ruki had asked him one last time if he wished to come to the reunion after all. He didn’t intend to make any promises, but after speaking to his friend he felt more inclined to agree. Even though he knew he could never bring Aoi back, could never see him again, hold him, speak to him, he could live on in memories. And Kai’s alone weren’t enough.

Perhaps if he spoke to their old friends, spoke about Aoi, listened to their stories, their greatest impressions, he could rebuild Aoi in his head, keep him safe there for as long as he himself lived, at least. Suddenly he wished he had children, or someone, anyone, to whom he could pass on their story, so Aoi wouldn’t be forgotten again.

Although Ruki hadn’t openly judged him, had perhaps not truly understood what had happened, Kai couldn’t help but continue to feel guilty, especially after his old friend reminded him that the dead remain alive in our hearts. He felt as though he had killed Aoi after he had already died, though Reita had called him an idiot when he told him this.

“You were protecting yourself,” he had reminded Kai. “Maybe you needed to forget him so you could remember him the way he deserved later on.”

Kai wasn’t sure he agreed with this train of thought, but despite the ache in his chest he had actually managed a smile or two while remembering the love of his life now – as clichéd as that sounded – which was a feat he hadn’t managed to accomplish in the past. Back at home, he dug up the memorabilia he had kept hidden for so long, little physical reminders of his time with Aoi.

He sighed as he ran his eyes over a picture of them taken at the beach near Aoi’s hometown. It wasn’t the best quality, certainly not compared to the technology of today, but it was unmistakeably Aoi: tanned skin from the sun, a hand shielding his eyes while the other was on Kai’s hip, his surfboard in the background. Kai was grinning, squinting at the camera, while Aoi’s oldest brother (pulling a silly face) and his girlfriend (smiling brightly in her simple summer dress) were beside them.

It had been his first visit to Mie and his first time meeting Aoi’s family. Initially he had been rather apprehensive, but Aoi had assured him they’d love him – and they had. As it had turned out when he met them, both Aoi and Ruki had been telling them stories about him, and although he was aware of how protective Aoi’s parents were over their youngest son, they had embraced him – in every sense of the word – from the start.

 

“Would you like some more, Kai?” Aoi’s mother asked kindly, already taking his plate so she could offer him a second helping despite him declining. “You’re far too skinny,” she scolded him. “Aoi, dear, you should feed him more.”

“I’m not his keeper!” Aoi protested, retreating when his mother gave him an ugly look.

“It’s okay, I’ve always had a fast metabolism,” Kai said hurriedly, hoping to prevent his boyfriend from sulking. “But thank you, Mrs Shiroyama. It’s delicious.”

Said woman smiled widely and piled some more food on Kai’s plate. “You’re such a charmer,” she gushed, eyes sparkling. “Our Aoi’s such a lucky boy.”

 

Kai wondered if she’d still feel that way if she knew what had happened after her son had passed away. Was she even still alive? The last time he had seen her was when they had come together to scatter Aoi’s ashes, tears in her eyes and her hands trembling before she collapsed into her husband’s arms. A parent should never have to outlive their children, and he knew it had broken their hearts beyond repair. Much like it had done his.

They had told him he was always welcome, and he had a feeling Aoi’s mother especially had wished he’d take them up on this, because she needed someone to talk to about him, someone who could share parts of him she might not have known. Yet, he never had. Another item to add to his list of regrets.

He ran his thumb over Aoi’s face in the picture and swallowed hard.

 

“I used to go here all the time when I was skipping class,” Aoi admitted as he tugged Kai along the beach once their picture had been taken and the camera put away. “Surfing was much more interesting than school.”

Kai grinned and shook his head. “How did you ever get into uni?” he teased, laughing when Aoi poked his side.

“You’ve been hanging out with Ruki too much,” Aoi finally said, shaking his head as though he were gravely disappointed by this fact. Then he bit his lip and gazed around, his hand reaching out to take Kai’s. “I kind of miss it… You never realise it at the time, but even the smallest moments can leave an impression.”

“Is this one of those moments?” Kai asked, only half joking.

Aoi smirked and bumped their hips together. “Every moment with you is,” he declared, laughing when Kai wrinkled his nose at his cheesy comment. “Seriously, though, these days are meant to prepare us for the rest of our lives, but our lives are already in motion. We should live from the start, not from the moment we’re settled. You know?”

Kai squeezed his hand.

 

And now here Kai was, having to admit that Aoi had been correct. Yes, Aoi had missed out on so much, but he had also experienced a lot in the years he had been alive and up until the very end hadn’t regretted his choices. And now, years later, the seemingly most insignificant memories kept popping up in Kai’s head, each of them returning a tiny piece of Aoi to him. Because life wasn’t made up of the large moments. They were there, of course, and they mattered, but without those smaller ones there’d be nothing to hold everything together.

Even his box of memories proved this. Mixed with the receipt for their first anniversary meal and the present Aoi had given him for his second, there were faded cinema tickets, crumpled flyers from concerts they had gone to together, a postcard Aoi had sent him when he and Ruki had gone to Hawaii with a few other friends (Kai had been asked to join, but he had already promised his mother he’d stay with her instead).

His hand trembled as he looked at the familiar handwriting. Aoi had once been a warm and living human being, had sat down and placed his pen on this paper. He closed his eyes as he traced the words, which made it almost seem as though he could picture him in that moment. Probably yelling at Kazuki to shut up and stop distracting him, whining at Ruki that he didn’t know what to write, asking Uruha if he could borrow another pen because his had run out.

Thinking of Kai.

Somehow this made him more real than the picture had done, because Aoi had left part of himself here, with his words and his messy scrawl of Kai’s name. Perhaps, if Kai concentrated hard enough, he’d be able to call forth the heat of his hand, the ghost of his touch.

He flipped over the card to see the front, which was fairly generic, though beautiful: a sunset in Hawaii. Kai recalled Ruki complaining to him afterwards about how no one had wanted to join him in watching the sunset while they were there, something he said was a must when you were on an island, and he had practically bribed Aoi into doing so. The view might not have been exactly the same for them, and these days it would likely look even more different, but it was easy to imagine a sighing Aoi on a beach somewhere, with Ruki trying to enjoy the peaceful scenery beside him and wondering why he hadn’t simply gone alone, looking at this view.

Kai reached into the box, freezing when he felt fabric. He gingerly lifted the item out, releasing a shaky breath at the sight of one of Aoi’s old shirts. Most clothes had been left with Aoi’s parents or given to charity, but Kai had asked to keep this one. Aoi had worn it the first night they went home together plus many times afterwards, and Kai had always appreciated how it looked on him, accentuating his curves and slim torso.

He raised the shirt to his face and pressed his nose against it, inhaling deeply. After all these years, the smell was mostly musty and stale, but it was as though the underlying scent of Aoi still remained.

 

“Can you stop staring at Aoi for two seconds?” Byou said dryly as he flipped through a thick book, a smidge of amusement in his voice. “We need to finish this assignment.”

Kai blinked, blood rushing to his cheeks as he straightened up and directed his attention to Byou again, hurriedly grasping his pen. He glanced around nervously, happy that no one seemed to have heard Byou speak. “I wasn’t- I don’t-”

“Save it,” Byou said, grinning now as he raised his eyes to Kai’s. “You look like you want to bend him over a table and fuck his brains out.” His grin softened into a smile when Kai stared at him in panic. “Don’t worry, no one else seems to have noticed. And I won’t tell.”

“How did you know?” Kai asked in a whisper.

Byou shrugged and slid a book in front of Kai, tapping it to tell him to get back to work now. “Because you always look at him like that,” he explained, scribbling down some notes. “I look at Rui the same way.”

Kai’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Really?!” he whispered harshly. “But you’re known as such a ladies’ man!”

“Ladies, gentlemen, everything in between,” Byou shrugged. “It’s harder to be open about anything that’s not heterosexual, so I keep it to myself. I guess you get that.”

Kai did indeed.

He looked back over at Aoi, hating how he’d often wear clothes that clung to his body. It was hard not to stare when he was being all attractive and seductive, but as Byou said: it was difficult to show it, especially when someone like Aoi – who was clearly not gay – was involved. Rui, on the other hand, seemed more open-minded, so perhaps Byou would be luckier.

“Do you think you’ll ever tell him?” Kai asked curiously, his voice soft.

“Eventually, maybe,” Byou admitted. “What about you?”

Kai chuckled and gazed at Aoi briefly, then shook his head. “Not a chance. You know what he’s like.”

Byou hummed. “Not really. If anything, he’s been wearing more fitting clothing ever since he started properly hanging out with you.” He smirked wickedly. “Maybe he likes having your eyes on him.”

Kai scoffed and shoved him gently, sparing Aoi one last glance before returning to his work.

 

Aoi had later admitted to him that Byou hadn’t been far from the truth. He had always liked tight clothes to an extent, but he had worn even tighter ones to see if Kai would notice at all. (Kai had assured him that yes, yes he had, very much so.) This shirt had been one of his favourites and had quickly moved to the top of the list when he realised Kai loved it so much.

Kai remembered Aoi wearing it when they went on a date, the two of them hidden away in the corner so nobody could bother them, and how the light had caught it just so that Kai had been able to catch glimpses of skin underneath, the fabric that thin. He recalled going home afterwards, kissing in the lift on the way up, then entering Kai’s room and Aoi lifting his arms to allow him to tug that sinful shirt over his head, leaving his hair a messy jumble, a smirk on his lips when he caught Kai’s hungry gaze on his body.

 

“You sure do stare a lot,” Aoi said teasingly as he placed his hands on the table behind him. “Maybe…” He slid one hand to his front and rubbed it over his pants, sighing pleasurably. “Maybe you’d like to watch me instead?”

Kai licked his lips and contemplated that option: there was no denying that one day he’d love to do exactly that: watch Aoi get off before him, something he’d undoubtedly enjoy immensely. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Aoi’s waist, pulling him flush up against him and not missing the pleased gasp that left Aoi’s mouth. “Not right now,” he grunted, sliding a hand down the back of Aoi’s trousers, “too impatient.”

Aoi chuckled breathlessly and shifted his hand so he was stroking Kai instead, grinning as he looked him directly in the eyes. “I like it when you take control. You’re always called the leader when we work on projects…” He leaned forward and bit down on Kai’s bottom lip, dragging his teeth along it as he pulled back. “Why don’t you show me how well you lead?”

Kai intended to do exactly that. He shoved Aoi in the direction of the bed and picked up his shirt from the floor, ignoring the other’s questioning stare. Once Aoi had lain down on the bed, Kai used the shirt to tie his wrists together and to the headboard slats, an impromptu bondage device. He smirked down at his boyfriend, whose expression appeared torn between surprise and admiration, with a large dose of lust.

“I thought you said you were impatient,” Aoi said suspiciously, though he didn’t sound the least bit annoyed or disappointed.

“I am,” Kai confirmed, taking off his own shirt and feeling oddly shy when Aoi’s gaze fell on his muscles. He had started working out a while ago, just in case his father ever showed up and tried anything again, but he had never thought of the effect it might have on any partners. “Impatient to touch you,” he continued, stripping down to nothing, “not too impatient to have some fun.”

Aoi’s eyes were drawn to Kai’s cock, which hung between his legs heavily, slowly growing erect. “But now I can’t even help you.”

Laughing to himself, Kai helped Aoi undress since he couldn’t do so himself and took in the toned, beautiful body before him. He climbed on bed and stroked Aoi’s abdomen, fascinated by the way his muscles jumped. “Oh, you’re helping me plenty. But if you’re this worried…” He hesitated for only a moment, then crawled upward until he could straddle Aoi’s face and raise an eyebrow at him significantly.

Aoi blinked before grinning up at him. “I always knew you were dirtier than everyone assumed,” he mumbled hoarsely as he stretched his neck.

Kai closed his eyes and grasped the top of the headboard when Aoi took him between his lips.

 

How the shirt had survived that night was a mystery Kai had never been able to solve.

Their sex life had been adventurous, though never extreme, and Kai knew well he had never enjoyed sex as much afterwards. He wasn’t sure if no one had lived up to Aoi or if he had simply lost his interest in it beyond needing the occasional release and had therefore never been into it enough again to enjoy it.

Of course, towards the end the sex had mostly disappeared. Aoi had been too tired, too ill, and neither of them had even been in the mood to try at that point, too scared to find any pleasure in the act. They had still kissed and hugged and there had been some sexual encounters, but they had mellowed out. Aoi had apologised for it multiple times, no matter how often Kai told him he didn’t care. And of course Kai hadn’t cared. Sex had become something they did purely for comfort, something Kai wanted to give Aoi to show him he still loved him and was attracted to him, and in his view there were other ways to accomplish the same thing.

He hadn’t kept much from Aoi’s time in the hospital, having known even back then that those memories were not ones he’d ever look back on happily. However, he knew there were more photos in here, including a Polaroid picture taken by Ruki. Taking out the cheki album he had mostly filled up over time, with pictures from before he’d even gone to university – of his mother, of his dog, of him playing the drums – through his time there – pictures of his friends, including from the failed camping trip they’d gone on –, he flipped to the very last pages. There were two or three photos from his last few months at uni, but he wasn’t interested in those. Instead, he found the last picture of Aoi and himself that he had in his possession.

It had been a sneaky shot: Aoi and Kai had sitting on the hospital bed, Aoi leaning against Kai’s shoulder and looking up at him, Kai’s arm around him and staring back seriously. It wasn’t a happy photo, especially since Kai could remember the circumstances perfectly, but it was theirs.

 

“How are you doing?” Kazuki asked nervously after they’d all said ‘hello’. He had shown up to visit Aoi after classes, along with Ruki, Uruha and Emiko, which was as many visitors as the hospital had allowed at once.

The room they were in was bare and sterile, like any hospital room, but to Kai it was worse than all the other ones he’d ever been in, including that time his great uncle passed away. At least he had been old and lived a full life, but Aoi wasn’t meant to be here, not as a patient and especially not as the kind of patient he was. 

Aoi shrugged and played with the covers on the hospital bed. “Like shit,” he said matter-of-factly. He took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging when he exhaled slowly. “This is pretty much the last stop, right?”

“You don’t know that,” Ruki scolded him, though his eyes betrayed his fear. “They’ll help you here, that’s what doctors are for.”

“They’re doing everything they can,” Kai added. Unfortunately there was only so much they _could_ do, and despite his persistence in not giving up hope, his heart beat extra fast whenever he thought of the future. Sometimes, when he was feeling particularly pessimistic and morbid, he believed it was trying to make up for the lack of heartbeats Aoi still had left. Then he’d tell himself off for thinking this way. Aoi would get better. _Needed_ to.

“Have they been treating you well?” Uruha asked after an uncomfortable silence.

“They’ve been fine. Everyone’s friendly, can’t fault them for anything.” Aoi didn’t seem too pleased about this, and Kai understood why: he wanted to take out his frustration on someone, and nobody had given him any cause to do so. It wasn’t that he wanted rude staff, he just wanted a reason to vent. And Kai couldn’t blame him.

Kai sat down beside him on the bed and wrapped his arm around Aoi’s waist, holding him close. Even though nothing had changed about him yet, Aoi nevertheless felt frailer than before, but Kai knew that was merely his imagination. Perhaps even a premonition. He suppressed a shudder and forced himself not to think that way.

“You have your camera on you again?” he asked Ruki, seeing a familiar device sticking out of his friend’s bag. It had been a hobby of his lately: taking pictures of everyone at the most random moments.

Nodding, Ruki took the camera out and held it up sheepishly. “I won’t use it now, but I had it on me already.”

“No, go ahead,” Aoi said, rolling his head onto Kai’s shoulder. “If I do get out of here, I might as well have some memories of this. I just…” He sighed shakily and leaned against Kai, seeking out his eyes. “I don’t want to go yet.”

 

Ruki and his impeccable timing had captured this moment. Soon afterwards even the thought of taking pictures of him had flown from everyone’s mind, because it felt insensitive to do so once it became clear he definitely wouldn’t get better. This had been it. The end of the road. And no one had wanted any memories of that.

It had been hard to see Aoi deteriorate the way he did and to see him in such horrible pain. Kai closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands as he attempted to push all that to the back of his mind. He wasn’t ready to go down that path just yet; he was only just capable of recalling Aoi alive and well and thinking of him when he first entered the hospital was as far as he was willing to go right now.

He knew he’d have to go through those final months eventually, but he intended to take his time in getting there. Once he had calmed down and his heart rate had returned to normal, Kai straightened up and placed the photo album aside. Of course there were plenty of much happier pictures in there, but he had had enough of them for now, and of reminiscing in general. It was too emotionally draining.

Instead, he thought of what he had promised Ruki: that he’d consider going to the reunion after all. Perhaps… Perhaps it wasn’t about owing anything to his friends, to Aoi, but it was about owing it to his younger self.

 

“We should keep in touch.” Ruki held Kai’s hands between his own, his eyes sombre. “I mean it!”

Smiling weakly, Kai nodded once. They stood in his empty dorm room, all of Kai’s belongings having been packed up and downstairs in the moving van. Faint voices from down the hallway could be heard in the silence, whispers of goodbyes. The window was open and Kai made a mental note to shut it before he left for good, though for now he appreciated the gentle breeze it allowed into the room.

“It will be hard to be away,” Kai said softly, his eyes doing a slow sweep of the room. The bed he and Aoi had slept on and had had sex on was bare, the X Japan poster that had once decorated the wall was gone, slight discolouration the only sign it had ever been there at all. Soon someone else would move in here, someone who had no idea that the previous occupant had cried his eyes out in the corner, where his desk had been, when he had first heard that Aoi would never recover. He had tried to be strong, had allowed Aoi to lean on him, but once he had returned home from the hospital, he had collapsed.

There was still a slight scorching on the carpet from when his friends had brought him a birthday cake as a surprise and one of the candles had fallen down. They had all stared until Uruha had finally put it out, but by then it was too late to prevent any damage. A permanent reminder of their foolishness. And over there, by the door, there was still a mark on the wall from when Aoi had scratched it while Kai was going down on him.

The last few months had been rough and the room had been filled with sorrow more than anything else, yet it felt like the last link with Aoi there was and it was as though turning his back on this dorm meant turning his back on his boyfriend. It was the entire campus: the place they’d first met, the walk down the hallway to Aoi’s old room, the seats they’d had in their shared classes. Little phantom touches left behind by a man who would never graduate, but who would forever be a student.

One of his boxes, one he hadn’t allowed anyone else to handle, was filled with items connected to Aoi, but it wasn’t the same. The box was something he could lose, misplace or hide. Here he had no escape, and it was both torture and the most wonderful thing. Whenever things had gotten too difficult, Kai had closed his eyes and pretended. Those footsteps right outside could be his, that voice almost sounded like him, and the creaking in the room during the night could be Aoi making his way to the window to sneakily smoke a cigarette.

“Maybe it will help you move on,” Ruki suggested carefully. “A change of scenery might do you good. Aoi wouldn’t have wanted you to be miserable all the time.”

No, he wouldn’t have. Kai thought he had been coping fairly well so far, especially with the help of his friends – and mostly because of Ruki. Ruki had known Aoi long enough that he understood the pain of his loss as much as Kai did, and they had often come together when things became too much. Ruki had looked after him and, honestly, Kai was a little scared of being on his own. Yes, he had his mother, but that was different. She didn’t know the extent to which Kai had struggled ever since Aoi had received his death sentence.

He’d get there, eventually. No, he hadn’t gone on that Europe trip, but one day he would – and he’d be able to enjoy it, the ghost of Aoi no longer haunting him, but the memory of him always by his side. First he needed to become himself again, and then he’d be able to smile once more.

Kai sighed and blinked his tears away before throwing his arms around Ruki’s shoulders and squeezing him tightly. “I’m going to miss you.”

Ruki chuckled and returned the hug, leaving soothing strokes along Kai’s back, no doubt feeling the trembling in his body. “You talk like we’ll never see each other again. But I’ll miss you too. Things have been easier knowing you’re there if I need anyone.”

Kai wanted to say he felt the same way, but knew his voice would crack if he dared. Instead, he hugged him for a little longer.

 

Kai knew that the person he had been back then had never intended for all this to happen and he certainly wouldn’t have thought twice about the opportunity to see his friends again. He texted Ruki, happy the other had insisted on giving him his number, then Reita, because it seemed like the polite thing to do. His phone vibrated in his hands soon after, indicating a message from his colleague and friend.

_Good. This will help you, Kai, I’m sure of it. Do you want me to come with?_

_No, thank you. This is something I need to do alone._

Or as alone as he could possibly be with his friends with him – if they even wanted to see him again. Ruki was understanding about the situation, but would the others be the same? Their lives had all moved on and he had missed out on so much, marriage, children, new jobs. He had ignored them as they attempted to include him in the motions, and in the end he had somehow continued on with life while at the same time remaining in the same place.

The Kai who had stood there in that bare dorm had wanted to live, as scary as it might have been and as useless as it might have seemed; he had simply been searching for some closure first. And what better way to accomplish this than in the place where everything had begun?

His phone vibrated again, this time showing Ruki’s name as a phone call came through. After taking a deep breath, Kai picked up.

“Hey.”


End file.
